Parenting with Anxiety

Image from Pexels (Text by Enriched Family)

Image from Pexels (Text by Enriched Family)

Anxiety Challenges & “Gifts”

I have managed anxiety (and periodic depression), to greater or lesser degrees, for most of my life. Nevertheless, I did not recognize my anxiety as a mental health issue for many years. For much of my life, I felt a sense of shame about my anxiety. I told myself if I was … fill in the blank … stronger, smarter, more resilient … I could “handle” my anxiety. It took age and experience to come to terms with knowing that I am incredibly strong, smart, and resilient, but sometimes anxiety still handles me. It wasn’t until I had my own children and they began to have some signs of anxiety that I recognized how intense my anxiety was from an early age. 

While my anxiety is a challenge, it also comes with unique gifts. I am very sensitive and empathetic to other people’s emotions. I am a list-maker and planner extraordinaire. My hyper vigilance makes me a very safe and reliable person, as well as extremely detail-oriented and organized. I am an incredibly hard worker, highly focused, and push myself to excel. I also have a strong sense of responsibility. While these traits have many positives, they are also fairly exhausting at times. 

Who knew that another gift of lifelong anxiety would be that it prepared me – at least to a certain extent – to deal with a pandemic? For me, the sky was always falling. Only now, everyone else sees it too. Oddly, there is a sense of comfort in knowing I am not alone in dealing with anxiety these days. So, if you have been dealing with anxiety all your life or are new to experiencing anxiety largely as a result of the COVID-19 situation and/or the current racial, economic, and social tumult in the United States, you are not alone. Maybe you don’t have anxiety, but someone you love does or you are parenting a child or adolescent with anxiety. This post is for you. While in no way meant to provide medical advice, this post provides salient information and resources related to anxiety from well-respected, credible sources. Given the ongoing issues of racial injustice and police brutality in our country, and in honor of July being Minority Mental Health Awareness Month, I have also included a number of resources specifically for Black communities and People of Color.  

Mental Health By the Numbers

 If you struggle with anxiety, you are not alone. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America: 

  • Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year.

    •  Nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

  • Anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.

  • Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment.

Looking at mental health more broadly, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) reports:

  • 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year.

  • 1 in 6 U.S. youth, aged 6-17, experience a mental health disorder each year.

Anxiety Management

There are three common types of approaches used to manage or treat anxiety, according to NAMI, they include:

  1. Psychotherapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

  2. Medication, including anti-anxiety medications and antidepressants.

  3. Complementary Health Approaches, including stress and relaxation techniques.

    • Among these are exercise, meditation, breathing techniques, quality sleep, eating well, and other areas of critical self-care.

Breaking the Stigma Of Mental Illness: Information & Resources

For the many Americans experiencing mental health challenges, stigma is a huge issue. In a study published in Psychological Science in the Public Interest and reported by NAMI, Patrick Corrigan of the Illinois Institute of Technology reported that about 40 percent of the 60 million patients suffering from mental illness go without treatment. Furthermore, only 1 in 3 African Americans who need mental health care receive it. Perceived stigma is a significant barrier for patients seeking mental healthcare. Other barriers include lack of knowledge about mental healthcare, inability to recognize symptoms in one’s self, and inability to identify adequate healthcare resources for mental health symptoms. Below I have rounded up some expert sources for mental health information and resources, as well as advocacy opportunties.

Mental Health Information & Advocacy

General Mental Health Resources

Maternal Mental Health resources

culturally-relevant Mental Health Resources for Black communities and People of Color

  • Austin Therapists of Color Directory “is a group for psychotherapists who self-identify as a Person of Color. This group is specifically designed for Austin therapists, students and other mental health professionals working in clinics, hospitals, non-profits, government, academia, private practice and other therapeutic settings.”

  • Black Mental Health Alliance whose mission is: “To develop, promote and sponsor trusted culturally-relevant educational forums, trainings and referral services that support the health and well-being of Black people and other vulnerable communities.”

  • National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network “is a healing justice organization committed to transforming mental health for queer and trans people of color (QTPoC).”

  • Therapy for Black Girls “is an online space dedicated to encouraging the mental wellness of Black women and girls.”

  • What’s in the Mirror? A “501c3 social movement providing suicide prevention & mental health awareness with art and advocacy to people of color” based in Austin.

Meditation & Breathing techniques

As a parent with anxiety, I have found meditation and breathing techniques, in combination with medication, talk therapy, and exercise, to be incredibly effective in calming my nervous system and promoting greater relaxation. The better I am able to take care of myself, the better I am able to rise to the challenges of parenting and supporting my children with their own worries and anxieties. There are a wide variety of deep breathing exercises that you can use. Verywellmind, Dr. Andrew Weil, and Harvard Medical School offer a variety of examples. I suggest experimenting with a few options to see which ones work best for you.

In addition, I highly recommend a meditation App, especially if you find meditation challenging on your own. There are many free and paid subscription-based meditation Apps. I include a few of my favorites below in each category.

Among the free meditation Apps for adults, some of my favorites include:

  • Black Zen Weekly Wellness Podcast is a free, wellness and meditation podcast designed for the Black community, “to make you laugh, provide insight and support meditation-based practices.”

  • Liberate Meditation is a fairly new meditation App launched in 2019 with the specific purpose of supporting people of color. The meditation App features guided meditations by Buddhist teachers of color and the talks and meditations cover mindfulness, as well as topics that most other meditation apps don’t address: micro-aggressions, racism, ancestors, and body confidence.

  • Meditation Oasis Apps & Podcast (they offer a variety of free guided meditations and their podcast is free during the Pandemic; they also have subscriber-based Apps) - This was my first introduction to meditation Apps; I used it for years.

  • Smiling Mind “is a unique tool developed by psychologists and educators to help bring balance to your life.”

  • UCLA Mindful: “With this easy-to-use app, you can practice mindfulness meditation anywhere, anytime with the guidance of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center.” Meditations in English and Spanish.

Paid subscriptions:

  • Calm ($70/year; one-week free trial) - I absolutely LOVE the Calm App (#notanad). If you are looking for one App for the whole family, this is the one. They offer guided meditations on a variety of topics, as well as frequently-produced new content; the Daily Calm, a 10-minute Calm meditation changes daily; a variety of sleep stories for children and adults; as well as calming soundscapes and music.

  • 10% Happier ($99/year; 7-day, free trial period). Another very popular meditation App.

  • Headspace ($70/year; free, 14-day trial and free for a year for the unemployed). I have many friends that like this App. Personally, I prefer a story or guided meditation and found this App to be too instructive. However, if you want to learn to have a disciplined, daily meditation practice, this is the App for you.

  • Waking Up ($99/year; 7-day, free trial period; they also offer free accounts for people who truly cannot afford it). Focuses on both the practice of meditation and the theory behind the practice.

Informational and Educational Resources for Children and Adolescents

Resources for Kids 

  • Teach your children breathing exercises (see Breathing Techniques above) and meditation (see Calm app above or Peace Out below).

  • To help promote awareness of mindfulness and tools for emotional well-being with your children, check out the free podcast, Peace Out. Each individual story lists a different recommended age range, but most stories are for kids between 5-12. These short, "mindfulness stories" guide children through visualization and/or breathing exercises. Most of these engaging, yet meditative, stories are less than 10-15 minutes long. 

  • If your children or tweens struggle with managing stress and/or anxiety, I highly recommend GoZen!'s Programs to Manage Stress & Build Resilience for Kids. Through engaging animations, GoZen!'s research-based, subscription programs teach children informational tools and life skills to help them deal with anxiety/stress, build social and emotional learning skills, engage in mindfulness activities, and so on. Programs include:

  • If you want a way to start a conversation with your tweens about mental health issues, check out Brightly's list of middle grade YA fiction books that tackle mental health and maybe read one of these books simultaneously with your child.  

  • Cai Graham is a great resource for parents of tweens and teens.

Parenting with anxiety Tips and Tools

There are a variety of approaches that I have found useful in helping my children with anxiety, as well as intense emotions of any kind:

  • First, helping children learn how to name and describe their feelings is essential.

  • Second, acknowledge & empathize with feelings before correcting any behavior.

  • If my children are upset, but are having a hard time articulating what is wrong, we use the H.A.L.T. technique, where we pause and ask them: are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? For younger children or children that aren’t sure why they are upset, this technique helps them pause and think about the underlying cause of their feelings. Once the feeling is identified, you can talk about the why and how to address it.

  • Another helpful technique is the “STOP” technique, which can be helpful for parents in supporting their children with anxiety, especially children whose anxiety manifests in negative behaviors, such as anger. The general idea, as described by therapist Carretta-Stein in the linked article, is that any behavior has a purpose. If your child’s behavior is changing or your child is exhibiting negative behaviors, they should not be ignored, but at the same time parents should avoid reacting to the behaviors. Instead, Carretta-Stein encourages "mindfully responding" with the “STOP” technique: "STOP stands for Stop, Think, Observe, and Plan… Stop and resist the urge to react to your child with emotion. It only adds fuel to the fire and will not help alleviate the anxiety. In fact, it can make it worse. Next, think about what your child is currently feeling. Then observe their behavior and consider what's at the root of the issue. Finally, plan how you would like to respond." The idea is to take a beat and think so you are responding to your child and their underlying needs, rather than simply reacting to unwanted behavior.

  • A very helpful tool for me as a parent who is prone to jumping to problem-solving mode is to listen, empathize, and then ask my children: Do you want me to listen or do you want advice too?

  • Finally, if your child is having a hard time regulating his or her emotions, take a time out and do some breathing techniques or a short meditation with them or take a walk together.

I hope these resources are helpful to you and your loved ones.

All the best,

Esha/Enriched Family

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Parenting Resources, Parenting Supports, Anxiety, Mental Health, Enriched Family RoundupEsha ClearfieldParenting Resources, Parenting Supports, Anxiety, Mental Health